DISAGREEING WITH MY NARRATORS

By El Ochiis

My internal monologue plays out as heterosexual males; they are never one ethnic group. Sometimes he is European with pale skin and other times he is an indigenous brown man of African descent. None of them have names, the only time he has one is when I give it to him. Frequently, a number of them will argue over point of view.

These men have compelling stories that they urge me to tell. The problem begins when I disagree with their point of view; the conflict; the drama and/or the plot twist. It is, at this time, when I must face the task of re-working the piece from a different perspective, that my friendly confidantes become unfriendly.

Their suggestions and stories can be misogynistic or steeped in prejudice, preferring one ethnicity over the other – may or may not yield retribution for the protagonist. Each man, can be, surprisingly, quite altruistic and, rather fair - seeing the other’s side of life – and, other times, not viewing the other’s side – and highly prejudiced - which makes my part of the storytelling process harder and, subject to confrontation.

When I veer from the original idea, my narrator can become recalcitrant, and, for days, weeks and months, refuse to talk to me. I am like a jilted lover needing a social call, I wander about aimlessly, waiting for my suitor to ring – waiting for those inner monologues that fill my brain while the engine stands idling.

I had assumed I was bordering on insanity, or sounded completely mad, until I read a story about the last great mystery of the mind – people who have unusual – or non-existent – inner voices.

One woman, who is not Italian, has an Italian couple who argue: “They were chatting non-stop before I handed in my notice,” she stated, with a hard sigh. “I’d wake up and they’d be arguing. I’d be driving to work and they’d be arguing. It was exhausting, to be honest.”

I know from whence she speaks because my narrators, when speaking to me, sometimes, can be like a TV screen, or a slide projector, that are continuously playing inside an attic, inside my head, with so many ideas that I can’t possibly keep up – it becomes overwhelming - I don’t have enough time to produce all the interesting stories they want me to write.

A neuroscientist, who studies this phenomenon, has also found people for whom there isn’t a voice at all, just silence – an emptiness - a still, warm air before a rustling breeze.

I wish I could download mine onto some sort of hard drive, so the people without any monologues in their heads, could look at it - it’s a shame no one gets to meet my guys but me.

Wait, should I be worried that they’ll be mad at me for exposing our little spats? Nah, it was their suggestion that I write about my inner voices – them – see, now that’s a tad narcissistic I argue.