By Jodie Cain Smith
In Hamilton, the
Musical, the ensemble accuses Alexander of writing “like he’s running out
of time.” I’d give up my Mac to have that ability again.
But, my word count from the last several months is abysmal,
practically zero. The husband, as I hem and haw, reminds me of my overly full
plate of the last year: a move across
three states, taking on a second and third job, caring for a toddler, blah,
blah, blah. To my mind those are all excuses, and I’ve never taken kindly to
excuses. The husband’s support keeps our marriage on track but does nothing to
fuel my writing.
If I am real with myself, examine my behavior, thoughts, and
feelings closely, I know the problems. After all, what writing is any good if
it lacks honesty? So, here is my daily dose of get-it-out-there-and-move-on.
Fear. I fear I am a washout, a two-hit wonder, but will
never become one of those writers who crank out brilliance time and again. What
if my good ideas are gone?
Lack of inspiration. In the past, I dismissed those writers
who wait for inspiration. Powering through was my go-to tactic with every part
of my life. I wrote trite blogs packed with naïve methods of pushing past
writer’s block. Now, I know I didn’t understand how powerful, how draining
blocks could be. I didn’t know that sometimes waiting is the best course of
action.
Lack of discipline, fortitude. Not writing proved to be a
slippery slope. Armed with my list of excuses, I allowed my writing process to
slide away. What used to be a disciplined three-hour per day habit,
deteriorated on my own watch, because of my excuses. And, then I added lack of
inspiration to that list.
This is where I found myself three weeks ago – looking back
at 2016 with the realization I had allowed a year to go by with few words to
show for it. I felt defeated, afraid, and fraudulent. I was losing my identity.
As a friend of mine posted on Facebook recently, what do you call a writer who
doesn’t write? I’ve no idea.
But, I’ve never been adept at accepting defeat. I’m unapologetically
competitive, so to Hell with defeat. To paraphrase Hamilton, I will write my way out. The resolve to rebuild my
writing life has been a struggle to maintain, but I will maintain it.
To do so, for the past three weeks, I have forced myself to
write something, anything creative, everyday, Monday – Friday. It may be only
500 words of pure garbage, but it is on the page. I will decide what to do with
those words later. For now, I will peel the Band-Aid of fear and loathing from
my skin, bit by bit.
I hung a calendar on the wall near my desk and decided to
place a green star on each day I write. Seeing a green streak has given me
hope. Maybe good ideas are still there, waiting to be uncovered. I just have to
live in my characters worlds long enough to reveal their secrets.
So, for now, I will just write. Through writing, I will
re-learn this craft we love. My words will find purpose, and I will find my
creative self once again.
It's good to make a schedule for your writing, as you have done. I basically write 3 days per week (weekends plus my day off), and I set aside at least an hour for each writing session. I hope you're writing about your life and what's been happening to you. We miss you, Jodie, even though Columbia II is going along well.
ReplyDeleteI love your honesty. We have all been there, I suspect. I know I have. A friend of mine recently gave me a sticker which said, "Sit the H--- down and write!" I'm taking your(and her)lead.
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